


This world within (working title)

by al3th3ia_ous1a_apor1a



Series: This Ancient Light [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28571073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/al3th3ia_ous1a_apor1a/pseuds/al3th3ia_ous1a_apor1a
Summary: Second part of Of all the possibilities, begins right after the You, Me and the Sky arc.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor/Supergirl
Series: This Ancient Light [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844299
Comments: 57
Kudos: 95





	1. Working title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been agonizing over where i want to take OATP since July when I got this thing about Lillian into my head and I've been trying to get it out ever since. Suffice it to say that I've really been failing to do that for the past 6 months and I suppose writing it this way is the only way it's going to get written. I've been warned that it's quite a lot canon-divergent, even more so than OATP so... When i say you might not actually want to read this second part, it's not me trying to be coy in an attempt to get readers more interested, or faking humility but actually fishing for compliments. This is a legit warning. If you enjoyed OATP, feel free to think of things as having ended there- Lena and Kara safe and happy and in love. A number of loose ends not tied up, but still, a safe a soothing cocoon for L & K. 
> 
> That's not to say it won't still be the case in this next set, only that I've admittedly fallen more than a little into madness and can't get myself out of it with the storylines and characterizations and routes I've chosen to pursue. If you guys join me on this journey and like where it ends up, that's really awesome. If you don't, i totally get it and hope that treating OATP as a stand-alone still provides you with a smidgen of comfort on the darker days. 
> 
> Now, do i hope more of readers will continue to join me in watching the rest of this story unfold? Abso-f*ing-lutely. I really absolutely do. So if you're with me: Welcome (back), and let's get to it!
> 
> Again, art isn't mine, merely commissioned for the next part of the series.


	2. Progress in pretense

Your first real week back is utter chaos.

There is a mountain of paperwork, obviously none of which are truly pressing if your brother has decided to dump them on you, that’s been left in your office upon your return. And though you're itching to set them, him, and his office on fire, you temper the rage impulse and have your assistant pull the junior administrative assistants on regular rotation to go over and organize the files depending on priority and field. It takes the group of three four days to do so (as you've snuck in the extra challenge of their having to create presentations that outline not only what the files, companies, corporations and individuals are asking for but their own recommendations on the course of action to be taken) and you're both horrified at your brother's blatant disregard for the company when you find out how much work he hasn't dealt with in the months you've been gone, and impressed by the assistants' work, so much so that you decide to pull all three of them from the pool to specifically and directly answer to you on a trial basis. They're efficient, intelligent, eager and young. Younger than you were when you had started and though you're already drawn to one in particular, there's also a very distinct potential in the other two, enough to warrant a real chance.

There’s all of that and the not so small development regarding the steadily increasing number of _shadows_ you’d noted in the past few days, something you’re intent on banishing from your mind for the moment as you know it’ll be dealt with soon enough. 

It's time to be daring in this world. Time to take back what's yours. You'd been afraid to before, loathe as you are to admit that. Afraid of your brother and the repercussions of blatantly challenging him head on with so much of the reality currently uncharted. You'd been afraid of his knowledge, his menace, his evil. You'd been afraid of what he'd do to Kara because even when you hadn't allowed the intensity of love you had felt for her to come out, Kara's safety was always a primary concern. Always. Always. You'd of course also been afraid of yourself and what you'd do in anger and fear to protect yourself and yours. And it isn't that all that fear is gone, it isn't. But it's tempered by your wife's light, her love, her sheer utter belief in you and your strength and goodness. So you're going to be brave, you're going to take this world back, and you'll make your brother fall at your feet if you have to. This world is yours. It's Kara's. And you and your wife will break out of that darkness. Out of your fears, out of hers.

"Why is the buy-out of Gillespie Industries still sitting on my table?" You ask evenly, the second you enter your brother's office.

"I was wondering when you'd deign me worthy enough to be in your presence," he says, eyes sparkling with mischief. Your heart stutters for a beat, two, three, your heart plummeting at that familiar sparkle in his eyes.

You remember Kara's words. _Love._ You'd sworn you'd be daring, braver, but your brother, more than anyone and anything, has always been _your_ Kryptonite. But you'll play nice. For you, for your wife, and this time, just this one time, absolutely one last time, you'll give him the chance at a truce. Not for him, no, but for you, because you're so tired of warding off attacks from all sides and it seems, you've once again got a whole company to run all on your own on top of it. Because Kara now comes first. Your wife will now always come first.

"You left a literal mountain of paperwork on my desk, Lex." You sigh, a light reprimand to your tone as you lower yourself into a chair across from him. If he wants to play this game, you'll indulge him in it for a bit because you can most certainly play too.

"You look good, dearest." He says simply, earnest, gaze steady, expression fairly neutral.

You won't fall for it, you won't. But you'll play. "So do you." You glare at him lightly. "And if you've been doing your job, you wouldn't look half as good as you do."

His laugh is warm, bordering on genuine and your heart aches even when you don't want it to. You long for Kara. You long for your wife who doesn't make you question her sincerity. You long for the safety of her arms, the warmth and comfort of her indubitable love.

"I see you found my present." He gestures to the lead-lined case on your lap on top of the handful of files you've brought along with you. "You should familiarize yourself with their traditions, their culture."

"I have. I am." You say in your wife's native tongue, as you've learned in the previous months.

"You always did have an affinity for learning languages."

"You've always been a little jealous of that."

"You're brilliant, dearest." He says, smile doting, "we've always known that."

"So are you." You admit with a faint roll of the eyes.

"I see you've chosen our earthly trappings." He says, a pointed look at the ring your wife has given you. "Do tell what went into that decision."

"Lex..." You begin, breathing deeply and pointedly placing his so-called present, a pair of bracelets for you and your wife, right in front of him. "She's off limits. My relationship with her... All of it is outside your purview. You want to act like family now, but what did that matter when I begged you to stop? What did that matter when..." You break off. You had told yourself you weren't going to do this. Why do you always end up here with your brother? But it's begun and you'll have to finish it as quickly and painlessly as you can, because you know you'll really be the only one walking away from it with any real emotion at all. "You left me all alone. You left me to pick up the pieces after you destroyed our name, after you destroyed my _world_ \- twice."

"I _gave_ you the world, Lena." He responds, still neutral, still steady.

It's the most honest you've been with him in months, the most time you've given him to try to lodge himself back into your world, your heart, your soul, and only the memory of your wife's eyes, her smile, gives you the strength. "I never wanted the world. You know that. You've always known that. But it's all you've ever known to give, all you've ever been _able_ to give. Father, mother... And then you too. And for the longest time, that was enough. Because it was the _world,_ Lex. Who says no to the _world_?"

"The great Lena Luthor apparently." He responds drily.

"Luthor-Danvers." You tell him steadily. And his eyes narrow at that.

There it is. The truth. Yes, yes, it's a game. Yes, yes, you'll play.

Your brother is good but you know him too. You'd idolized him, and for a time that idolatry was akin to worship of a false god, back to when you were young and so so impressionable. But that darkness inside your brother even as a child could not be completely hidden. Untamed it came out to play in the life and light of both day and night, and only as you grew older did you see it for what it was. And even then you'd denied it, your love for him, your misplaced trust and hope had kept you blinded to the havoc he had wreaked until it was too late. It's your greatest betrayal. Truly. And you'd blamed yourself for it for so long, blamed yourself for the lives lost, taken, stolen, because you'd allowed yourself to be blind to the reality of your brother's capacity for cruelty and not acted until it was too late to save them all.

He says nothing for a few long moments, his eyes don't even seem to see you anymore. "Lex." You say firmly, willing him to return to the present, to see you. You wait until he does, you wait until his eyes focus back on you and you meet his gaze, steady and unflinching. "I've got more than this world. Do you know the power I have at my fingertips, Alexander? I've got power you've only ever dreamt of. I've got power you've killed for and still never acquired."

"You're a fool to trust that, Lena." He snarls, from zero to a hundred in a heartbeat. Yes, yes, there is that temper coming out to play. "You'll only truly hold that power when you strip them of it and they're cowering and groveling at your feet. You are a Luthor. We are the last of the Luthors and to taint our name, our legacy with theirs, to let them lay claim on you - what power do you claim to hold, dearest?"

"The same one she's got." You say, your lips are pressed in a thin line to keep yourself from being overcome by the pity you feel for him. "Imagine how she and I can change this world for the better. What legacy do you want to leave this world?"

"You don't need her to change this world! You don't need anyone by your side to change this world. Not a human or alien, not a Kryptonian, not a husband or a wife. This world is _yours,_ Lena!"

And he's right. You know he's right. You were always capable of changing this world for the better all on your own. But you've never, not ever, wanted to do it alone. Ever since you'd been a child, you hadn't wanted to live in this world alone, not even if it meant wealth, power, success and greatness. And in this moment, in this moment where you see what Kara meant, see what Kara thinks she knows, you know regardless of what your brother truly feels for you, he's never truly understood the most fundamental of your needs. You'd been drowning for years without realizing it. Drowning in the cold stillness of the facade of a family that came with the Luthor name. But it's _your_ name as much as it is theirs, and you'll show them all what it means.

"No one's trying to take this world, Lex." You say softly, fighting to keep your voice even because your chest is tight with deep pity for this brother, this boy you once loved, this man you can't help but _still_ love. You reach forward and take his hand even as you remind yourself yet again to remain distanced, to not fall yet again into his orbit. "I know you're trying... But I need you to try harder. She's mine, Lex. I chose her, and she's mine."

"And you..." he trails off.

You fight not to flinch at that because you know what he's not saying. And it's one you refuse to play with. You are Kara's. You are. That will never be part of any game. And if that means you've lost even before it has truly begun then you'll take it still. You won't even think about it. It bears no consideration. "I am. I'm hers." You say solidly. "It's an addition. _More._ Not less."

"I've always had the utmost trust and respect for you, Lena." He says, expression neutral once again.

You smile at him, soft and genuine because even when you know he doesn't mean it, because you do remember the one time he'd said the very same words to you when you'd decided on that start-up with Jack all those years ago, he hadn't meant it then either and merely waited on you to fail and come crawling back to him, the pretense nontheless means tacit agreement to an unspoken truce.

"I" you begin again lightly, giving his hand a quick squeeze before letting go, "am dumping all of this back on your ass if you don't start explaining why you've allowed all of these to lapse."

"How many times do I have to warn you about that bleeding heart? Gillespie is hardly worth that much."

"Pardon?" You say, glaring lightly at him. "Do I need to remind you how much L-Corp made under me and how much you did in your first 3 years? Or even your last 3 years at Luthor Corp."

"You wouldn't need my approval if you'd just take all of it back." He says with a shrug, trying for nonchalant and though he doesn't quite achieve it, you're still unsure what emotions he's actually hiding.

"I hardly think I need your approval even now." You respond, allowing a slight mirk to come into play. He looks at you steadily for a long moment before he's holding out his hand and gesturing for you to hand the file over. "We'll make it twice over in the first three years in supplies contracts alone." You say as he skims the document and signs on the appropriate pages.

So you might have thrown in a few extra mil, you're not exactly hiding it, and it's hardly what he calls your bleeding heart in play. It's a good business decision and well worth the price. The young Gillespie successor, a brilliant 21-year old in her last year of dual majoring in bioengineering and art history at Stanford, is well-worth the initial investment.

"At some point we're going to disagree." He says lightly, handing you back the file.

"And that would be new? We already disagree with each other's life choices on a daily basis." You respond breezily as you skim through the other files you have on hand to briefly refresh your memory of what else you've come to his office for. "Investments and R & D were always my forte. L Corp's profit margin and reputation should show you that."

"You did well, Lena."

"I know." You tell him, meeting his gaze. "I'll forgive you for taking it all away if you keep reminding yourself exactly how well I've done and trust me to continue taking Luthor Corp to new heights."

"We're really just going to coast on you killing me? A year in and still no apology."

"You're really going to pretend you're not mostly _proud_ and only _mildly enraged_ that I actually did that?"

He tips his head in tacit agreement. You know him. There might be more than mild rage there but you're hedging your bets on the unspokens as you let him hold his aces close to his chest and pretend you don't see and know that that is exactly what he's doing. "What do I get out of this?"

"Your _sister,_ Alexander." You bite out, allowing a slight rage to simmer and shine through. "Isn't that what you've wanted all along?" Because your wife has point, whatever your brother feels, and you're not at all ready to agree and acquiesce that he feels anything akin to love where you're concerned, there must be a reason he wanted your memory intact. There must be a reason his bargain included you. "Well, I'm right here."

"I could have named it Lexcorp." He says softly even as his eyes gleam.

"I _know._ " And you do. You _do_ know. You know exactly what that means.

"Lunch?" He asks brightly.

"Italian?" You say, holding up your transmat portal remote.

"Smaller than mine." He responds, a mixture of pride and envy in his tone. And well, isn't it always a mixture of both with him?

"Keep mother away from me and I'll make you one."

"Thought little Lena was all grown up." He says getting up from his seat and buttoning his jacket.

"She is. But mother's still as insufferable as she's always been."

"I'll see what I can do." He shrugs, shooting you a smile the world finds charming, the very same one that annoys the hell out of you.

You roll your eyes in response as you activate the remote and a portal opens before you. 

_Progress,_ you think. _Progress in pretense._


	3. Together we breathe

It starts on the second week, well, that's not exactly accurate. It had started as early as your first days back but most of your co-workers, though many are beyond just friendly acquaintances, were too polite to say anything about it without you mentioning anything first, and those without qualms about over-stepping had either been in attendance or been already long apprised of the joyous developments. And those that were brazen and tactless enough to try and get anything out of you, you’d merely smiled at and walked away from. It isn’t that you’re hiding or anything, it’s mostly that you’re still trying to get abreast of everything you’ve missed and everything that’s transpired since you’ve been gone and you know Lena is too and it simply wouldn’t do to give fuel to that fire. You don’t quash it, you continue to wear the ring Lena’s given you, and you wouldn’t deny it, should anyone actually directly ask, but as luck would have it, no one seems to quite have the proper words, nor do you truly give them a chance to anyway, to actually ask.

But chatter and speculation begin to increase and grow louder when Lena drops in to come get you for lunch on Friday of that first week, that by the very Monday of the following week, between your appreciative and satisfied moans for the crème brûlée you're digging into, Lena's light, happy laughter ringing in your ears, both your phones are buzzing with identical messages from Andrea asking you both to stop by her office after your lunch date. The phrasing is polite, but it's not a request, the undercurrent of urgency evident. And only Lena's amused, confident, knowing smirk keeps your nervousness and unease at manageable levels. It’s not as though you hadn’t anticipated the reaction, Lena is after all a public figure, perhaps even more so in this reality than she had been on the last Earth and Lena’s got a habit of thinking multiple steps ahead, plans upon plans at the ready.

It starts out incredibly uncomfortable, Lena and Andrea sitting across from each other, quiet and sizing each other up, and ultimately it's Andrea who breaks first with a – “I know it's been a while, but again, I would like to express my congratulations and wish you both the best.”

You nod, mostly silent though you murmur a ‘thank you’ because you truly are uncomfortable and you haven't much been in the same room with just Andrea and Lena, well, almost ever really, though it's not that that has you on edge. It's the undercurrent of so much unsaid, a challenge occurring below the surface in gazes and smiles that you don't at all completely understand.

You mostly know Lena, know most of her looks, and the way she's looking at Andrea, the faint uplift of her mouth, it's as though she's daring Andrea to cross an invisible threshold only the two of them can see. But Andrea seems to balk under Lena's gaze even as she squares her shoulders and tells you why she's called you in.

It's for a CatCo exclusive on you and Lena, an official and formal announcement to the world of your marriage. There are already five tabloids that have hinted at the developments in the past week and Andrea has presented all five before you along with printed versions of some of what’s been posted online about it. 

But that's not what makes you nervous, not at all. You and Lena have discussed this at length—codes and algorithms previously in place, checked and rechecked not just by her but by Brainy as well. Lena seems to have a soft spot for the man as she does for Nia, and because you have complete and utter faith in them, your face plastered on a magazine cover as Kara Danvers and not Supergirl, though nerve-wracking in itself, still isn't the reason for your apprehension.

Andrea makes good points, all of which have already been discussed and weighed, picked apart and decided upon by you and Lena months ago. But in the present, people have been talking, and though speculations are that you'd gotten engaged because of the distinct additions to both your hands- and at the reminder of this, you fight not to reach out for Lena and thread your fingers with hers and pull her hand up to your lips, which you don't do, no you absolutely do not do that, taking care to sit and stay at least a foot away from her in your boss's office at your place of work; and exclusive with CatCo would be a good way to let the sparks flare into incandescence and with the masses satiated with the gossip, promptly (hopefully) burn itself out and transition into the known, no longer remarkable and ultimately, mundane. You and Lena had discussed all of this previously, so it's not it at all. 

What it is is Lena and Andrea.

It's Lena who seems to be watching and waiting for what Andrea will say and do, and Andrea who doesn't seem to know which lines are safe to toe. Lena for her part begins with polite interest and cordial silence, listening and nodding at the appropriate times as tension obviously bleeds out of Andrea and she settles and calms. But when Lena speaks, even when it's gentle and in agreement, Andrea continues to dance, spinning and twirling away, reluctant to put her foot down, take a distinct stand. You think she's close to spinning herself to dizziness to avoid the landmines of hers and Lena's still undiscussed issues. And when Lena softens further, is gentler, Andrea simply visibly flounders. Lena steps back, teases and encourages but Andrea only flounders further. So Lena finally bites and Andrea finally, finally forgets whatever role she thinks she's supposed to be playing and bites back, equal portions aghast, exasperated and amused.

"That's highway robbery!" She gasps and your wife smirks at her, the very epitome of daring and challenge.

And it is, Andrea's absolutely right, Lena's quoted eight figures. It's an obscene amount and you'd say something but Andrea's finally rising in her shock and your wife positively beams at each uninhibited word that pours from Andrea's mouth. Lena doesn't just enjoy the verbal sparring, the nitty gritties of the negotiation. She enjoys enflaming Andrea enough for her to bite back and it's so so obvious you wonder if Andrea really doesn't see that Lena is simply baiting her.

At some point, the one where Andrea's sputtering incredulously while your wife still beams in mirth, fully enjoying herself, you finally speak. Negotiations are down and at the cusp of seven figures when you throw in your conditions: you'll cut half of what Lena's pushing for if the other half goes to an LGBTQIA+ cause of your choice, the hefty donation to be made under and by CatCo itself, not you and Lena, and you get full editorial rights to the one issue, able to run any and all stories you so wish, all well within reason, of course.

It stumps Andrea enough to quiet for a few long moments and your wife looks equal parts proud and elated with just a smidgen of regret that her little baiting of Andrea has come to an end. But it's quick after that, Andrea bargains for two vetoes and your mind's already coming up with ways to get around it even as you agree to it far too readily and it's Lena now watching you and Andrea exuding a fond and calm happiness.

When negotiations are over, Lena pulls you in for a quick kiss goodbye, not at all caring about business hours and the fact that you've just concluded an actual business deal with your boss or that you are indeed in your boss's office and of her very present presence. And that's precisely likely what's going on in her mind because in this moment, it isn't a mere business deal, not to Lena, and perhaps not even to Andrea either if the look of utter shock and just sheer ache on her face when Lena pulls her into a quick hug before sauntering out of the office and leaving you two is anything to go by.

And of course, Andrea's human. Your dislike for her and what she’s turned CatCo into has dwindled into the mildest of annoyances in the past months especially when she's proven to be willing to compromise and allow to go to press stories that actually do matter even as she continues to push for the inane and trivial because it's ‘what sells.’ And your wife's actions and intentions had become clearer as the conversation wore on. She's drawing out the Andrea she used to know, the Andrea who never would have danced around her, the Andrea who would jump with her with barely a moment's notice. Lena's baited and tested and she's found that Andrea still in there. 

So you tell Andrea, because you've been almost exactly where she is now at various points in your history with Lena, drawn to her light, her brilliance, but afraid of the unspokens and the boundaries, hiding and hedging on caution. You both watch Lena draw Nia into an embrace as the younger woman joins her on her trek to the elevator. You speak softly, careful not to overstep and set off alarms to her defenses, "You're not going to lose her if you push harder, you know." You wait to see if she'll walk away, hide and curl in on herself, an effect only Lena seems capable of drawing from her. But she stays. She stands. She listens and waits for you to continue so you do. "She'll stay if that's what you want. She's ready now."

You both continue to watch and you return Lena's bright smile and wave before she disappears from view. When she does, Andrea sighs beside you. "She's all I have left." She says barely above a whisper.

It makes you ache, to hear it from her own mouth, the loneliness she feels. It reminds you of Lena when she'd first arrived at National City. It reminds you of you when you'd first arrived on Earth. There's so many of you who've felt lost and alone at different points in your lives and the feelings of that young girl who'd lost her whole world is still there inside of you, and it yearns to reach out for Andrea now and offer her comfort and light as Alex had done when she'd reached out for you, as perhaps you yourself had done when you'd reached out to Lena. 

"Not anymore." You tell her firmly. "You're Lena's family so we're all your family now if you'll have us."

You hazard a look at her and she looks dumbfounded and in shock. And if you remember anything Lena's told you about her it's that it was stark loneliness and deep distrust that drew them to each other in the first place, so you quickly step back, shooting her a small placating smile, careful to give her space to think and breathe. "I'll tell your assistant to call the photo editor down." You tell her.

"I'd have given her the full amount she asked for." She confesses, and you turn back to her. You know in that moment that is most certainly true. Six-seven figures is but a pittance to these women of such wealth and power, though ridiculous to you. And Andrea too is testing the boundaries as Lena is. You're all well-aware of what will definitively be a spike in readership, sponsorships, advertisements and investments the exclusive will do for CatCo as a whole so it’s well worth the initial investment, but you also know now that when it comes to Lena, it's never going to truly be about money or any of that for Andrea. You and Lena have been married for months now and only the distinct sounds of the rumor mill up and running has Andrea coming out with a deal for an exclusive. She's trying to help you and Lena both by staving off the worst of the gossip, paparazzi and intrusion into your lives with an exclusive. And you know this as surely as Lena knows it too.

"We'd have done it for free." You tell her, beaming. You can't help it, the world is shifting ever so slightly into something better, you can feel it.

"She's always enjoyed pushing me just slightly off-kilter." Andrea says, a little wistful.

"Funny." You say, smirking at her before you make your way out of her office. "She's said the same thing about you."

You're already a dozen meters away and done talking to her assistant when you hear her whispered response of, "Thank you, Kara."

You sigh in contentment and shoot off a quick message of love to your wife, the clawing affection you feel abating at her immediate response of three heart emojis, and then you're off in search of William and making the most out of your one-issue Executive Editor gig.

You'll reclaim this world, you think. Continue to reclaim and heal and build. You'll make the most of it.

\---

"Have you realized there's yet to be an other-world citizens' charity?" Lena asks a few nights later.

Your face scrunches up in confusion as you turn to look at her. "A charity for what?"

"Other-world citizens?"

"Like aliens?" You ask. "What's wrong with saying aliens?"

She shrugs. "Nia and I were trying it out. Seemed more PC."

You're still confused. "There's nothing not PC with aliens. When did you see Nia?"

She shrugs again. "A source bailed on her, and she dropped by. So did you know there aren't any?"

"That was yesterday, wasn't it? I knew she was acting all sketchy."

"Kara," Lena whines, pausing to blow on her mug of hot chocolate. "Focus."

You smirk at her and kiss the tip of her nose, she's in one of your old onesies looking insanely adorable as she tries to talk to you about what you know will lead to her channeling obscene amounts of money to a new cause. Who'd have ever thought a literal multi-millionaire would be sitting on a kitchen counter of a rent-controlled apartment in a ridiculous onesie at one in the morning trying to cool down her mug of hot chocolate, your compromise of choice after having dumped her wholly caffeinated cup of coffee even as she argued that chocolate too has a relatively substantial amount of caffeine, not thinking of lavish purchases for herself but mulling over and trying to ascertain ways to best utilize the vast resources at her fingertips to bring quality and life to survival.

You and Lena don't much talk about money, if at all. It had been simple to Lena, really, and because neither of you are really into anything extravagant, it hasn't really mattered to you either. You take turns at everything and with the CatCo exclusive, it's become even less of an issue because it's so clearly both of yours even when the only reason it exists at all is because you've married Lena Luthor. But there's really no arguing with Lena on it, particularly when she pulls out the 'there are so much more interesting and important things going on, darling, why would we waste our time on something that isn't and shouldn't ever be an issue?' card. Because she's right. It's a non-issue for someone like Lena who's always had it but has always lived modestly and well within it, and you who now fortunately makes more than what you strictly need with a significant increase in your savings in recent years as you'd made a name for yourself and grown in reputation and experience.

"If you keep infringing on Lillian's territory she's going to push back." You tell her.

She frowns at you before replying. "Mother does what Lex says."

"Keep backing a wild animal into a corner, Lena..."

"Mother would never act so boorish,” She retorts, putting her mug down, then adds softly, "or so blatantly show her cards."

"Hmm.“ You hum noncommittally. Lena's been dancing around the topic of her mother since you've been back but you're giving her space, you're giving her time.

"It puts Luthor Corp in the news and you know how Lex so enjoys at playing the benevolent king."

"Yeah," You say wryly, "even when he doesn't have a single philanthropic bone in his body and has not made any real attempt at a single endeavor."

Lena smiles softly at you, her eyes sparkling with something akin to fond adoration and your heart thrums. "I don't need to be lauded for my ideas, darling." She says, pulling your face in for a kiss. "You don't need to be vexed on my behalf."

So maybe it was more bitter than wry, it doesn't much matter because Lena can always tell anyway. "So you want to start a charity specifically for less fortunate aliens." You say, stepping between her legs and pulling her to you.

She combs her fingers through your hair, tied up in a tight ponytail, bangs long since grown out in your weeks and months on the isle. "I want developments in alien physiology so they can be provided better healthcare."

You groan. "I knew I shouldn't have left you with Eliza."

She rolls her eyes at you. "You're not being supportive." She grumbles.

That stops you for a second, enough so your brain recalibrates as you blink. "You've always got amazing ideas for this world, Lena." You start.

"But?" She butts in.

"No, 'buts.'"

"Kara..."

"Babe, no buts." You say firmly.

"You can be supportive and have a ‘but.’" She murmurs worriedly. "Please tell me..."

You sigh. "I don't want you bargaining with Lex for anything. Not new projects, not a new charity...nothing."

"He's in this world, darling." Lena says with a sigh. "Everything is going to be a bargain, a negotiation. Whether or not he runs Luthor Corp."

"He's going to break your heart again." You whisper, pulling her tightly into your arms, breathing her in. You're suddenly rocked by deep love and affection and you close your eyes and revel at the feel of her in your arms. "I know you try, but I know you can't help it. He's your brother and there's really no way out of it, is there? The feelings, though unwelcome and unwanted... They still come. I want to think he's capable of good, I want to think he's not just biding his time and is one day going to try and make everything burn. He's not going to succeed. I know that. I know it, Lee. He's not going to because we're going to stop him. But he's still going to break your heart even when we know the inevitable."

"What else is there to do, but get back up?" Lena murmurs against you. "I do remember everything he's done. I don't forget, not for a moment, not for a second. I don't. Not ever. I don't expect him to change. I don't even expect him to play fair. But we're both just playing, darling. He knows I am and I know he is. It's the extent of it that's up in the air, and I'm going to push until something pushes back. We can't just keep waiting. We can't prepare for what we don't know. And until something gives, I'm going to take as much as I can and bring more light into this world."

"You already bring so much light to this world."

"We do." Lena says firmly in response.

"We do." You affirm and she's smiling at you when you pull away to look at her. "Do you have enough time for another project?"

"I don't." She replies, beaming, and you're stumped by how happy she is by that fact.

"So...?" You say, trailing off. You still can't figure it out.

"So..." She says with a shrug. "Someone with administrative training, experience and capability and with roots in medicine and biomedical research will need to be found."

"Oh, Rao." You say. "Babe, is this even really safe?"

"Safe?" She asks confused. "It's going to be as safe as it can be, but your sister quite enjoys the thrill of danger. It would be entirely too tedious and monotonous for Alex if it weren't. She'd be supremely bored without it."

"Sometimes I worry you two are too alike."

"Well, you've got us, haven't you, Supergirl?" She says smiling ever so charmingly up at you, and your heart stutters. You're enthralled by Lena again, as you so often are, and for the moment, you forget all your worries and concerns, the possible repercussions of her brilliant though potentially dangerous ideas.

"I've always got you." You promise her.

Yes, you’ve got her, everything else can wait.


	4. It is what it is

"Don't you two live together and have your pick of two fully-furnished, fully-functioning, fully... _Perfect_ apartments you two can go home to?" Your sister says in a winded rush breaking you out of your musings and your solid gazing and silent adoration of your sleeping wife for the past hour.

"Shh," you shush and shoot her a mild glare as Lena shifts in your arms, nuzzling her face into your chest. 

Maggie looks at her bewildered. "Fully perfect, really?"

"Yeah,” Alex responds ruefully, “I still can’t think of anything else. Maybe I shouldn't have had that last one?"

"You mean the last five."

"Have you two been drinking?" You ask softly, pressing a kiss to your wife's temple as you turn your head to look at the clock. It's half past one and Lena's alarm is going to go off in ten minutes and you'd really rather she get her full REM sleep cycle before she's roused. 

You've been back in National City for over three weeks now and between Luthor Corp and Alex's and J'onn's surprise lab for Lena at the Tower's basement, built mostly in secret and by a mostly alien and metahuman contractor team thoroughly vetted by both J'onn and Barry, you've barely seen the inside of your apartment for anything other than sleep and showers. Lena is thrilled about the lab and she's spent much of her time fully making it her own, and you don't begrudge her the giddy elation of her surprise, especially when all five of her current projects are Supergirl related, but she is a bit of a workaholic, always has been, and really, you can't be blamed for wanting to make sure she's at least taken care of because she does have that tendency to get lost in so many different things at once forgetting to take proper care of herself. 

"We went clubbing." You sister says a little too loudly as she sways slightly before grabbing hold of the table in front of her to steady herself.

"Clubbing?" You say, voice still soft pressing yet another kiss to Lena's temple with a quick and silent prayer she doesn't actually wake until the alarm does go off. "Don't they check ID's at those? Don't they not allow anyone a day over twenty-five at those things these days?"

"I can totally pass for twenty-five." Alex responds frowning at you.

Silly Alex. Nice. "Seriously?" You ask, looking at Maggie. "Gin? You know nothing gets Alex as drunk as gin does." Your sister has the ability to outdrink everyone over anything, but the slightest hint of gin and she's gone. Nothing drives Alex's inhibitions out the door like gin. And well, oh, her and Maggie out and with that sort of greeting and ending up at home-base instead of them parting and being in their own apartments... Yeah, well yeah.

"Not exactly up to me when half the club's buying your sister martinis." Maggie says with a dry chuckle, eyes furtively scanning the room and avoiding your gaze entirely.

"Right..." You say slowly.

"What are you two doing here?" Alex calls from her place across the room, still much too loudly. 

You feel rather than hear Lena groan and you stifle your own and whisper, "I've got you. Just a few more minutes," as you tighten your hold on her, your thumb rubbing circles at the base of her spine in what you hope is soothing. 

"You built my wife a super secret swanky new lab." You say in response. "Did you really expect her to be able to stay away?" 

"Super secret swanky. Super secret swanky." Alex chants.

"Maggie." Lena groans loudly. "Why is she drunk?"

"Why is this my fault?"

"Darling," Lena breathes, eyes still closed and pressing a kiss to your neck. "You should get your sister home."

"Five more minutes before it's a full cycle." You grumble softly feeling inane for thinking and feeling and saying it.

"I love you." Lena says as her eyes open and mesmerizing green meets yours. "But it's fine. Get Tweedledee home while I deal with Tweedledum over here."

"The fuck, Lena." Maggie lets out an exasperated breath. "And why am I the dumb one?"

You bark out a laugh as Lena tries and fails to stop her own and has to hide her face in your chest.

"Ha-fucking-ha." Maggie says.

"Go on." Lena tells you, pulling away from you and shaking her head perhaps in an attempt to clear it and wake herself. She gets up a bit unsteady on her feet and you're quick to get on yours to steady her. "Thank you." She says, chaste kiss to your lips. "I'll be ready to head home when you get back."

You pull her back to you, wrapping her quickly in a tight embrace. "I'll be right back. Don't start anything." 

She nods, pressing another kiss to your lips before stepping away. "Come on, Sawyer." She calls as she makes her way to the elevator.

"I'm good here, thanks."

"I bought an espresso machine-"

"Sold!" Maggie interrupts practically jumping from her seat.

"I want one too." You sister says, rising to her feet.

You superspeed to stop her. "Let me take you home."

"I want a damn coffee, Kara."

"Lena won't go home if I don't take you home first. I'll bring you a whole bucket later if you want. Just please let me take you home?" 

"If I vomit all over you, it's your own fault."

"Noted, Captain Grump." You mock salute as you slowly take her into your arms and gently float off the floor, letting her get used to it before finally taking off into the night. 

\---

"You're happy, right, Kar?" Alex murmurs sleepily into your shoulder halfway through the flight to her apartment. "You and Lena. It's everything you've ever dreamed of, everything you've ever wanted. And it's all perfect and you're happy?"

You slow down so you're sure she can hear you before you speak. "We are."

“Cold’s nice,” She says letting out a satisfied sigh at the cool wind you’re quite slowly flying through now. "It was always going to be Lena wasn't it?"

"Dunno, maybe." You say, hedging on light. "Don't think I was ever fully conscious of what was going on back then."

"Liar." She responds, fingers digging into your arm. 

You're not quite lying, you don't think you ever were truly fully conscious of everything going on back then. Not when it came to Lena anyway. There was always so much all at once and with Supergirl being so new and you being so... Confused and bombarded with truths from the lies of childhood from your former life and home, smarting from betrayal and renewed loss everywhere you turned. Yes, well, perhaps crazy megalomaniac brother-in-law aside, now really is the best time. But then again, it's not the reality but Lena. Your Lena. Any time with Lena really just is the best time. And though you hadn't quite known that then it's also a probably a lie to say some part of you hadn't always always known it was always going to be Lena Luthor. Because Rao, the very moment her eyes looked into yours. Yes, well, yes, that was definitely it. 

"See?" Alex says with a light laugh. "Lost in Lena-land."

"You're okay, Alex." You say gently.

"I'm not." She admits, grumbling. "Maggie doesn't... She doesn't..."

You almost stop mid-flight but you settle for closing your eyes briefly and counting to five. You're flying slowly enough that it's safe to take a moment to steel yourself because you certainly need it. Your heart is positively breaking for your sister.

"It'll be okay."

"I don't want it to be okay!" She says angrily even as her eyes fill with tears. "I want it to be what you and Lena have. I want it to be everything and perfect and just fucking enough for the rest of our lives."

"Alex-"

"No, Kara." She interrupts, breathing out a forceful sigh. "God, I'm just hammered. Forget I said anything."

"Alex..."

"Ugh, Lena making the Kryptonite tonight?"

You sigh but decide to let it go for the moment. Your sister is drunk and you don't want to leave her with the heaviness of the night alone in her apartment.

"Genius on a mission." You respond as you land in the alley beside her apartment building. You let her down gently and she sways on her feet, holding out a hand to hold on to a wall to steady herself. "You okay?"

"Think I can wait to get to my apartment before vomiting." She says, quickly and stilted. "Just give me a sec."

You look at your sister's exhausted form, forehead against the wall, taking shuddering breaths, and you rub circles on her back gingerly. It takes her a handful of minutes but then she's pushing off and hooking her arm with yours.

"You and Lena should come next time."

"How are you even capable of thinking about a next time right now?"

"Andrea's got stories you know." She chuckles before groaning. "God. It'll be fun. Just remind me to stick to vodka."

"A club? Not exactly yours and Maggie's scene."

"How do we really know what her scene is anymore?"

You frown and blink in silence, trying to figure out what the most neutral yet honest response to that is. It takes you far too long even when you're the one who's sober and your sister speaks again just as you reach her door.

"People change, Kar." She hands you her purse so you can find her keys and open the door for her. "People stop being who you know, who you fell in love with and they stop loving you. But even then, even when you realize you don't know them anymore, that they've just grown and moved on, on and away, sometimes it's inevitable. You fell in love with who they were in the past, and you fall in love with who they are now. And you're just... You're there all alone in the cold because you were stupid enough to let go when you had them."

You close your eyes again, blindly rooting around for her keys and even then it isn't difficult and you open them to see your sister leaning on the wall beside her door, eyes peeled on the opposite wall. 

"You're a catch, Alex Danvers." You tell her firmly as you open her door and pull her in. She stumbles against you and you're quick to steady her. "She'd be stupid not to fall back in love with you." You want to add 'if she's even really no longer in love with you' but it's not as though you and Maggie have actually discussed it and something must have happened for your sister to be looking and sounding as devastated as she does.

"You have to say that." She says, pulling her boots off. You scavenge around the kitchen for pain pills and a glass of water, taking them with you and placing it on her nightstand.

"I could lie instead of you'd prefer." 

"Sassy." She shoots before throwing her body down on the bed. You look at her for a moment before you do as she's done, lying down beside her. She curls up next to you, her chin on your shoulder. "I couldn't say it before... I want her, Kara. She's the one I want. But now she doesn't want me anymore."

"Are you sure?" You're not certain if you're asking about her wanting Maggie or if it's about Maggie no longer wanting to be with her, but it's equal parts important and your sister's own choice will be telling.

"Yes."

Nice. Leave it to your sister to thwart your not so super sneaky plans. You turn on your side to face her. "What about everything else you've ever wanted?"

"Doesn't Lena eclipse everything you've ever wanted?"

"You're not us, remember? There are different kinds of love. Someone really smart when they're not drunk off their butt told me that."

"If I was drunk off my ass I'd be puking my guts out or passed out." She says, closing her eyes.

"Maggie doesn't have to eclipse everything you've ever wanted."

"I know." Alex replies. It's soft. The softest she's said anything tonight. "But I'm not sure of anything anymore. I'm not sure what I want, where to go, what to do. I hadn't realized how entrenched and enmeshed my life was with the DEO. I'm not sure where to go now, Kar. But Maggie... That was so difficult to choose. Choose, not figure out, figuring that out was easy. But choosing that... Choosing a person who doesn't want you back."

"How do you know she doesn't?" You feel obliged to ask it even though you know it's akin to rubbing salt to a wound because you don't at all think she's right. You've seen how Maggie sits, stands and stays at the fringes, her stolen looks at Alex, soaking in every gesture, word and expression of your sister's as though it could be the last in her life and she needs to catalogue and remember and keep it for the rest of it.

No, no. You don't buy it at all. You're willing to gamble this universe and it's billions of souls on that. You'd bet your very abilities. Whatever actually happens, Maggie does still love Alex.

"She doesn't." It's said so firmly. "So all that's left is... The rest of my life."

"Sounds like a heck of a lot left." 

"I'm being dumb."

"Never." You promise with a smile. "But maybe a bit melodramatic."

"The room's kinda spinning, Kar, but I'm pretty sure you said way worse things at the barest hint of not having Lena."

"Losing her..." You say softly, as your heart clenches at the thought. "There's a difference."

"You're not going to." Alex says firmly.

Hammered and her world spinning and she's still the one taking care of you. "You are a catch, Alex Danvers." You say again. "It's not okay now, and maybe it won't be for a while but I'm right here. I'm part of that rest of your life. And DEO or no DEO, you are a badass. I know right now it feels like you've lost everything, but you haven't, not really. It's your chance to do anything you want, be anyone you want to be without having to worry about what I want and need. You've been the best, Alex. You are the best and how about you let me take care of you for a change?"

"We've always taken care of each other, Kar. It was never just me taking care of you."

"But now I'm not an obligation anymore."

"You were never an obligation." Her voice rises, her eyes flashing in anger even as it is still slightly unfocused.

"Responsibility then."

"The most important."

"Maybe not anymore... Maybe now you can be first? You can be the most important?"

"I don't... How exactly do I do that, Kar?"

"By trusting me..."

"You're such a hot head though!" She groans.

"And you're not?!"

"I might trust Lena..."

"Aaaalex," You whine.

"I've always trusted you, doofus." She says, flicking your ear with relative accuracy. "It's the rest of the world that's got a terrible track record."

"What'd you dream about before I came along? What'd you want to be?"

"A sumo wrestler."

"Alex!"

"Lena's serious about the clinic?"

"When is she not?" You reply looking at the ceiling. 

"Try to curb your enthusiasm. I'm drowning here."

You sigh. "I don't... Where do I start?" 

"With one." 

"There aren't enough hours in a day. Lena can’t take on any more."

"Two." Alex prompts when you don't continue.

"Two, is it really smart to have a separate clinic specifically catering to aliens in a world with Lex Luthor? It's like putting a target on all the patients' backs isn't it?"

"What?" Alex's face is scrunched up in a frown.

"Clinic. Aliens. Lex. Bomb. Kablooey."

"Yeah, I got that." She's smirking incredulously at you. "God, you are such a doofus. He could just as easily bomb the bar you know."

"Three," You continue as if you hadn't heard her even though you most certainly had and she makes a good point, a very very good point. 

"Are you ready for the real reason yet?" She interrupts with a yawn. "I'm about to fall asleep." 

"I..." You sigh but forge ahead. "I don't want you sucked back into this. It's dangerous enough having Lex in this world. Losing the DEO... It's like a ticket out. The rest of your life, you safe. You and kids... Kids, Alex. Kids."

"I really don't think that’s in the cards right now."

"Not now, but something to work towards. How are you ever going to get there if you don't start now?"

"Do I just... stop helping people because it's a little dangerous?"

"It's not just a little." You huff.

"I think I want to, Kara. And are we going to let Lex dictate what we can and can't do?"

"Never."

"Exactly." She replies rubbing her nose against your shoulder. "There's still a lot to discuss. I'll talk to Lena about it. You should too."

"Hmm..." You hum.

"Talk to Lena." She says again firmly. "She's the most cautious person I've ever met. If she wasn't my sister I'd say it's well within the realm of paranoia."

"That's never stopped you before." You mutter and she actually bites your arm.

"Alex! Gross!"

"I'll tell your wife you said that."

"You're so much nicer to her than you are to me." You grumble, rolling your eyes at her and she simply burrows into your side again closing her eyes. 

It's a few minutes before you speak again and you think she's close to truly falling asleep. "Thank you for what you did for us... The calls. Lena said... I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost her then. Us now, it could have not been. Thank you for helping bring her back. Thank you for loving her. Us. You and mom... All of this... I'm sorry for every bad thing that's happened because of me, but you and Eliza, I'd have never made it here without you. You're part of everything that's good in me. And every day I think of your courage, your strength. I think of you, and mom and Lena and everything is brighter. It's not... easier but it's so much more worth it. To try and keep the families of this world safe so they can all have a chance to have everything I've been so lucky to have because of all of you."

"Love you, Kar." Alex mumbles sleepily in response. "You and Lena."

"We love you too." You tell her. "And you'll always have us. 

"I know." She replies barely above a murmur.

Her breathing evens out soon after and you stay there for a while longer, letting the darkness, the quiet, and the warm, solid presence of your sister soothe your worries.


	5. Down we go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... Yes, i really wanted to do this even when it's ridiculously canon divergent. But i figured, ya know, I'm creating a world with both possibilities and IMpossibilities that interest me, and these certainly do so I went for it.
> 
> Also cos well, I tried to get it out of my mind for the past 6 months and couldn't.

It works. Your mother is in your brother's office a few weeks later, ready to join you and your brother for a transmat portal jaunt to Zakynthos for lunch. Lex grins at you, mischief and challenge evident in his gaze and you pin him with a dark glare, genuine, so so genuine because you know exactly what truths and memories to draw on for these excursions into mild madness.

"Mother dropped by." Lex says lightly, needlessly, because of course, do you not have eyes? That annoying grin is plastered on his face, eyebrow quirked as if to say _'Go on, have at it.'_ And really, the nerve, and just so so predictable. You specifically ask for her to be kept away and here she is mere weeks later when you haven’t even laid eyes on her in months. Predictable. Truly. Typical of him to try and get a rise out of you so he can watch you flail and flounder for his own amusement. Though it does make you wonder at his daring… this hint of reckless abandon. Unless it isn’t. Of course it isn’t. It’s carefully weighed and measured. He’d never risk you and your mother conspiring against him, not after the threat your mother had posed to him last year at the Oval Office. 

"You sent these back." Your mother says from her seat across your brother, before you can even speak, tilting her head towards the documents beside her on the edge of your brother's desk. "Were there others you wanted instead?"

"Hello to you too, Mother. I've been well, thank you for asking."

"Don't be trite, Lena. Sit down." There's impatience in her tone and she looks pointedly at the chair across from her.

You cross your arms in front of you and smile tightly at her, making no move to do as she's ordered. It's silent for a few moments before your brother speaks. "Another reunion, isn't this lovely. The Luthors all together again. I might not even end up shot this time around."

Your head jerks towards him and you glare at him again even as your mouth forms a pout. "Don't tempt me," you say sourly.

"Now, now, dearest." He says standing and buttoning his jacket, a placating, softer, more genuine smile on his lips as he gestures for you to take his chair, his throne, his seat of power. For you. Yours instead of your mother's. Your skin prickles but your expression is carefully schooled for only mild to moderate irritation. "I have a few things to check on before we head out. Play nice."

The room is deathly quiet when he leaves, you and your mother staring at each other. 

"You're acting like a child. It's beneath you." She says after a moment, a hint of exasperation in her tone.

"How would you know?" It's out before you even realize and even you are surprised at the venom in it.

Your mother flinches but she rises under your glare. "Your father and brother have always coddled you. You're far too arrogant. Far too entitled."

You take the plunge then, you’ve been thinking about it for a while now, all these memories that don’t quite make sense, all these snippets you’d long since stopped bothering to piece together and had simply buried as deep down as it would go. "I want the manor." You say solidly. You blink slowly as for once you truly entertain the idea of having it be yours and it grows in your mind.

"No." Your mother says, immediately, fierce with the tiniest and quickest flicker of fear. 

"I want nothing else." You say, your heart pounding even as you shrug nonchalantly. You’re drawing on the correct memory, you’re _sure_ of it. It’s what she wants you to think about. It’s precisely what she wants you to remember. But there’s uncertainty in her gaze and that flash of fear even as it’s her anger that shines through, filling the room and enveloping you.

Her eyes bore into yours, hot and determined. "You can have anything." She says. "But the manor will never be yours. Napoli, Larissa, Dubrovnik, Granada." She continues with a strangled breath. "Any and all, Lena. But the Luthor manor... _never._ "

And you allow yourself to remember it in the moment - being nine and uncommonly down with the flu, very rarely were you ever sick. Your father was off at a conference, your brother off at school, and still shaking, shuddering, trembling from a cold fever, under two thick blankets, your mother had glided into your room. 

_"Momma."_ you remember having cried, plaintive with misery of sickness, so very uncharacteristic of both you and her. 

_"Hush, my darling. Go back to sleep."_ She'd said, lying in bed beside you and pulling you onto her. She'd pressed a kiss to your head, you were sure of it in that moment, just as sure as were that you'd imagined the whole thing in a fevered hallucination a mere day later. 

_"Do you hate me?"_ Had you not been as sick and miserable as you were, you don't think you'd have ever had the courage to ask.

_"I could never hate you, my darling girl."_

__

__

_"You're always angry."_

_"Mother has to be angry, Lena. Remember?"_

_"It's not real?"_

_"It is. But it's not at you."_

_"Isn't it? You're never angry at Lex."_

_"Fear and anger are two sides of the same coin, my darling."_

_"You said I'm not allowed to be afraid."_

_"That's right. You're not. Be angry, Lena. You can be angry but you never show anyone your fear. Not your father and especially not your brother."_

_"Not you?"_

_"Not me either. But I'll know. I think I'll always know."_

_"How?"_

And it had taken her so long to reply you'd almost fallen asleep. _"Because I feel it too."_

 _"What're you afraid of Momma?"_ You'd asked, already halfway to slumber but fighting to stay awake because in that moment your mother was with you, a mother that's ever rarely allowed out in the light of day. She was there with you and you'd fought as hard as you could to stay there with her. 

_"Nothing you'll take with you. Some day you will have everything I have. Everything but the fear. Everything but the darkness. Everything. Everything that is mine."_

_"Everything? But Lex?"_

__

__

_"Your brother's already taken everything he can. Everything else is yours."_

_"Even the manor?"_

_"No."_ She'd said, firmly. _"Everything but the manor. You can have the world, Lena. You will have the world. But this house, this estate, this will never be yours."_

 _"You do hate me."_ You remember how your heart had seized and how you had flailed and fought to get away from her at her words, but she'd kept you firmly in her arms, shushing you, soothing you, until spent and weak with the fever you had cried and eventually calmed. 

You'd never understood your mother, never expected anything from her least of all the truth as to who she was.

_"Leave the darkness where it is Lena. Let them have it. Don't let it touch you more than it must."_

__

__

_"I don't understand."_

_"Someday you will. Some day you'll understand and you must remember- Leave it where it is. You can have everything. Everything in this world."_

_"Except the manor."_

_"Except the madness. Leave it to them, my Lena. Banish it from your mind. Don't let it touch you. Sleep, my darling. You'll be perfect again tomorrow."_

But you weren't ever perfect, that you knew. Never in anyone's eyes, especially not your mother's. So a dream it must have been. A memory of a dream. 

If only there were no others you'd had to keep secret too. 

"I'll take it all then." You say solidly, meeting her gaze firmly in this present. "I'll take everything that's yours."

Relief breaks on her face as though she's waited a lifetime for this moment but it's gone far too quickly and is replaced by a mask of cool indifference as she pushes the thick stack of documents beside her. "You will soon enough. Though ceasing to exist does put things in perspective, I must keep some for myself a while longer."

"Both alive and breathing, no bloodshed." Your brother says as he steps back into the room. "Won't you join us for lunch, Mother dear?"

"Lex..." You bite out, leaning back in his chair slightly, crossing your arms in front of you once again.

"Don't be rude, Lena." Your mother interrupts, smiling brightly at your brother. "Lunch would be lovely, Alexander."

"Play nice, Mother." Lex replies, the steel in his gaze not lost on you even as his tone pushes for light. "Lena's our ride."

You let out an exasperated huff and get on your feet. "If I wasn't craving authentic Souvlaki..." You say trailing off and walking towards him. When you're close enough you whisper, "I have half a mind to leave you for this stunt, but I admit, it might be enjoyable to watch Mother try to hide her raging hatred for me behind faux concern and mild apathy."

"You're forgetting terse reminders not to disappoint."

"You're pushing it, Lexy."

"I won't stand for disrespect, no matter how old you two are." Your mother says sharply from her seat. 

You roll your eyes at your brother and whisper, "The queen has spoken. Bend or break."

He shoots you another mischievous smile before holding his arm out for your mother to take. "No disrespect meant, Mother. Just good-natured ribbing between siblings. You know Lena can't help it, that dark humor of hers does like to come out and play."

"Always my fault." You say, flippant with a hint of that simmer almost all your interactions with your brother are laced with.

"Always." Lex smiles, bright and genuine.

It makes you falter for a second, that familiar smile, the only real semblance of warmth you'd had for weeks and months on end as a child. But it likely hadn't been real then either. It's likely never been. And you see your mother's eyes on you, hard, sharp, fiery; gaze unyielding, unrelenting, reminding you of who you are, who he is, and when and where and what you are. 

It's a game. It's all a game.

You take Lex's other arm and activate the remote. Down the rabbit hole you go. 

\---

It's over an hour later, after lunch and a short walk to a place Lex claims has the best frigania, which you and your mother decline, that you find yourself alone with each other with no possibility of being recorded or overheard that you momentarily allow the mask to fall. 

"It's touched me anyway, Mother." You say. You don't quite know if she'll understand, if she even truly remembers, because of course you’re not sure. How can you really be sure? After all, you haven't allowed yourself to remember until very recently, so why would she. Except you’re almost sure she’s always meant for you to remember even as you weren’t ever actively allowed to think about it then.

And she does. And though that is unsurprising and does provide you with some relief as it’s a solid indicator you’re not actually going insane, you're still not truly sure what it had all meant back then, and though older and wiser now, you're still not close to making sense of it, to figuring it - her- out. "Not more than it must. Leave it where it is." She says, face stoic even as the words come out slightly strangled. 

"I'd have razed it to the ground."

"I'd have taken great delight in watching you do so. But leave it where it is. Close that door, my darling."

And she hasn't called you that in years, not since your father's death, not since your brother's madness had sent her into her own spiral into it; and you have to steel yourself from the wave of pain of heartache you've long since pushed deep down inside of you in the way she herself has taught you. You breathe deeply, holding a hand to the table in front of you to keep yourself from physically staggering. It hurts to hear it again. It hurts to hear it and know it was actually real. You thought you'd known then that none of it was real, not a single secret moment with your mother. Away from the shadows of your father and your brother, your mother too had vanished. The mother you'd had in secret, in the times you'd absolutely needed one, _then and only then, none outside of them,_ had all but vanished leaving you to take on the world and the legacy of your name alone.

"You let it take you." You say softly even as it rings of accusation and blame, as you watch your brother continue to charm the old couple who must own the taverna.

Her gaze also remains on your brother as she shifts on her feet. "I did." She tells you firmly. "I've been a Luthor for far too long. But you... You've always been so much more. You'll still have to play now. Remember what I've taught you." 

"You played and in the end his madness overtook you."

"You were always far stronger than I was, Lena." 

"You left me."

"I've prepared you your whole life to conquer this world. And you did. If I had stayed, my darkness would have simply tainted you."

"You didn't have to."

"I did." She replies softly. "And you were better for it."

"Mom-"

"You saw what I'd done with Cadmus." She rushes on. "You must see, Lena. I'm not good like you are. None of us have ever been. Your brother... He's not. He never has been. He's my son. Mine. My own flesh and blood. But... Be careful. You mustn't trust him."

"I don't." You say firmly. "It's all a game to him."

"Yes." She says tightly. "A game. An experiment. Remember that. Don't forget that for a second. Not one second, Lena. No matter what he says, no matter the way he looks at you, the way he smiles at you, no matter what you think you remember. It isn’t real."

"You told me to work with him -"

"There's no time now. Go through the documents. Don't send them back this time. Refuse to see me again. Caution and care. Boxes. Remember, my darling, draw on anger not fear."

"I draw on neither, Momma. I've got a whole host of coins to play with now."

She freezes at your words for a moment, her face a mask of pain you've only ever seen in the most secret of secret moments. "Lena." She says soft but plaintive. "My Lena."

Your brother gives the old couple a small bow from inside the taverna, theatrical as ever, and you turn to your mother swiftly. "He's coming."

She tenses beside you, closes her eyes briefly and when they open she adopts an air of irritation and impatience, her face morphing into a look of faint disdain. Her facade is impenetrable. Her skill exquisite. You're left wondering yet again if you'd dreamt the whole thing up. 

You take a moment too long, your guard still down, marveling at how easily your family bends reality. "Lena." She hisses as your brother steps out onto the sidewalk. "Boxes."

And once again, into the rabbit hole you go.


	6. Onwards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's taken me forever to write this and I know it's stylistically different from the rest of the story in that it's got both Kara's and Lena's POVs but it wasn't getting written any other way.

There's a dip, a calm, on the instances of psychosis due to memories fracturing, and while William and Nia are on board trying to pin down causes and possible triggers even as the NCPD continues its own investigation, there are no conclusive causations to be drawn and far too many insignificant correlations. A breakdown and study of the demographics, which has been thoroughly investigated, examined and researched by the Science Division, has proved inconsequential, and while you are as invested as everyone is in making sense of it all, there's really not that much on which to go on. The team has been working on it without you and Lena for the past months and while much has been ruled out, there isn't much, if any at all yet, that can be ruled _in_. 

Though fortunately, if it can truly be thought of as such, and still mysteriously, the cases seem to be centered around current residents of National City. The fracturing seems not to have reached past the borders of the City, not even affecting a single visitor, tourist or mere passing commuter. But for the moment it’s still all you really have, and while the case seems to be slipping from your fingers, there’s truly little else you can do outside of dealing with its repercussions. And so for the moment, for as long as there’s no further data pointing you towards its cause, you’re left with nothing else really, but to let the matter lie.

It’s been grueling days and weeks, you’re spread quite thin by having to dodge and hide from your small but ever present shadows while you complete your responsibilities both on and off the CatCo clock. And Lena too has spent an inordinate amount of time, even for her, poring over an excessive number of projects, especially after she’s spent so little doing so since your reconciliation almost a year ago. So tonight, you’d pulled her away from her desk at exactly seven, yes, right on the dot, and dragged her out for some much needed time together.

And if you'd at all been capable of paying attention to anyone and anything outside of your wife, beautifully flushed with laughter and exertion from running the two blocks back to the Tower after a quick dinner of fajitas at the newly opened Tex-Mex restaurant nearby, having been caught in yet another sudden downpour, you'd have known to stay far far _far_ away. But as it is, you and Lena are completely soaked through to your boots (Lena in those ever present heels) and you've just scooped her up into your arms, deciding that you're close enough to shelter that it wouldn't be too odd that you're capable of carrying your wife in your arms and that the lone shadow of the night can be granted a photograph of it. Mindful of unwelcome eyes, you're careful not to display too much strength as you do and allow Lena's heels to dangle precariously from her fingers, intent only on keeping _her_ safe and secure. And with her rumbling laughter in your ears, her breath warm against your skin, you carefully unlock the front door and sweep into the vestibule, not at all wise to the catastrophe brewing in the main room. 

It's a testament to your level of distraction that it's Lena who freezes first at the sound of irate voices, her fingers releasing its hold on her shoes as she wraps her fingers around your arm instead. You scamper to catch them, super-speeding, now sufficiently protected from prying eyes with the front door closed behind you, and when you see her eyes wide and panicked, no longer soft and filled with mirth, only then do you hear them as well. 

It's Maggie and Alex, voices raised. They're not quite yelling but it only takes you half a moment to realize that your intrusion would be both unwelcome and ill-advised, something Lena seems to already be well aware of. 

Lena's fingers grip your arm tightly and almost involuntarily, you do the same to her when Maggie's voice, harsh and piercing makes your heart thump painfully in your chest. "You don't get to destroy my world then decide years later that you've changed your mind! 

"Maggie-!" Alex, voice hoarse with a tinge of desperation, and you watch her reach for Maggie who backs away, brusque, panicked, almost. 

"I was going to _marry_ you." Maggie continues, harsh and rough, spitting it out as if the very word itself were offensive. 

Lena turns into you and buries her face in your neck. You close your eyes and hold tightly onto her. "I choose you." You tell her softly. "I will always choose you." 

"You threw away everything we had." It's said softly now, strangled, as if Maggie can't bear to show Alex exactly how much pain she's holding in. "You threw me away." 

And suddenly she's pulling the door open and walking into the vestibule, barely glancing at you and Lena still in a tight embrace off to the side before she's pulling the front door open and briskly walking out onto the street. 

Lena looks up at you for a second before she's scrambling out of your arms and pulling her heels out of your hands and back onto her feet. She's pulled the door open to go after Maggie before she stops suddenly and throws herself back on you for a moment, pressing a firm kiss to your lips before she breathes out your sister's name, her voice thick with empathy. 

"I've got her." You tell her firmly. She nods quickly, and hurries towards the door again before your voice stops her. "You're my only choice, Lena." You tell her, _remind_ her. Because she is. Regardless of the secrets you'd kept, the parts of yourself you'd hidden, she's always been the only choice you've ever been wholly willing to make. Yours. Just yours. Not for any planet, whether this or any other. Not for the preservation of history and tradition. No. Not for anything other than yourself. Yours. Lena - yours for always. 

"I know." She tells you as she bites her lip worriedly. There's things she wants to say, you think. Assure you she believes you, perhaps. Tell you _you_ are also her only choice, maybe. Remind you she loves you, likely. Definitely. Yes, definitely. 

"Go." You tell her, opening the front door fully for her, noting that while the ground is wet, the rain has at least stopped. "I'll see you at home." 

This time you push her out onto the street gently and you breathe in deeply, as she hurries after Maggie. You turn back into the room and meet your sister's anguished eyes not knowing if you have any words at all to help make any of this right. 

\---  
"You and Kara." Maggie breathes out, hesitant, stilted, but she forges ahead. "How did you... How did you just forgive her?" 

You've finally caught up to her two blocks away and you're both seated at a bench in a now completely bathed in darkness playground. 

And it's different. _Of course it's different_ \- the circumstances surrounding your relationship with Kara and hers with Alex. For one thing, Alex hadn't lied to her for years about a secret identity, actively hiding the truth from her. And while that's a betrayal that certainly stings, now much less than it had in the beginning, soothed by the warmth of everyday with Kara's love, it's precisely that love, unfettered, unwavering, and undeniable that's got you moving past it. 

Kara chose you, you think, you remind yourself as she's reminded you multiple times just tonight. Chose you and refused to give up. But these are words you can't say out loud because you know that that's precisely what this whole problem hinges upon- that Alex didn't _choose her._ So you dig. Deep. Relatively deep even when it's not even two years in that Kara's own betrayal had had you doubting positively everything - your friendship, her, even yourself because she'd wormed her way so deeply into your heart and soul, into your hopes and dreams, and had just brought you so much light and warmth that you'd been left cold, desolate and lost. You draw on that now, the psychological cold desolation making you physically shiver despite what has quickly become a muggy night, heat teased out from the asphalt by the quick downpour earlier. 

"I didn't _just_." You finally settle on. And it's true. You didn't _just_. "I don't think I ever rightly managed to hate her, no matter how hard I tried. And I did. God, Mags, I really did. I felt like the biggest fool in the universe - believing her, loving her... Letting her in, giving her the power to destroy me. I lied to her like she lied to me. Betrayed her like she did me. I played her like I thought she'd done to me. I punished her... I punished the _both_ of us and none of it made me feel even remotely as good as just seeing her _smile_." 

"Lena Luthor undone by a smile, who'd have thought?" She tries to quip but it falls flat. 

You let out a small hum of agreement and a dry chuckle but otherwise fall silent. You're pulling yourself out of the dreary remembrance of a past wrought with pain. 

"I went on sabbatical that second year." She continues softly. "Tried to just pretend everything was fine, that it didn't almost break me to just have my whole future crash and burn that first year. Spent most of my nights drunk. Out. Bars. Clubs." She takes a deep breath, shaking her head a little, a wry smile her lips before she speaks again. "I saw her everywhere. Thought of her all the time. And I was so angry at her, at myself, because I wasn't what she wanted. She was all I did... And me? I wasn't enough for her. I wasn't ever going to be enough for her. Do you know how that feels? I was ready to live the rest of my life with her. _She_ was my _future_. And she just decided it wasn't enough. And still... I _loved_ her. How utterly pathetic can someone get, loving someone for whom they'll never be enough? " 

You think of something to say, the _right_ thing to say, because it's not easy. None of this is easy. Everything Maggie feels is valid. She's expressing her truth and some mistakes still burn even after the wounds have seemingly healed and scarred over. 

"I did Shibashi instead of yoga. Learned Judo and Krav Maga instead of Aikido. Changed my perfume, straightened my hair. Left my job, my apartment, this city, my whole _life._ I traveled Asia, saw everything, ate everything, did everything. And some of it was beautiful, you know? _A lot_ of it was beautiful. But it wouldn't stop hurting. Knowing I was never going to be good enough for her. I was changing everything she knew about me. I wanted to stop being that person who just wasn't good enough. I don't think I ever thought I could be, you know? Alex is so... " And at that she falters, unable to continue for a time, her eyes pained, her smile wistful. "So I came home. And I made my peace with it. Alex deserves everything good in this world. She deserves a woman who wants children. A wife who can give her everything she's ever dreamed of, who can make everything she's ever desired into reality. She deserves that. And she may have been it for me, but I wasn't for her, and that's okay. It's _okay._ It was _getting_ to okay... I could think about her and be happy again. When someone orders a smoked salmon with curry mustard and extra pickles I don't feel like I'm going shatter into a million pieces. I can actually eat a lemon sorbet and not feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest over and over. I can watch the sun rise and not have to force myself to not bawl my eyes out because I remember every single time I watched it with her. I could think about her eyes, her smile, and not feel like I couldn't breathe."

"There's nothing wrong with you." You say simply. Your throat burns because you know how it feels to so desperately want to be enough. "Nothing, Maggie." 

"Then why wasn't I enough?" She barks out, laughing darkly. 

"Why wasn't _she_?" 

She looks dazed for a moment, head tilted towards you, frozen. And you're not at all sure what the right thing to say is, but it's ringing in your memory, your wife's words. _I choose you. I will always choose you. You're my only choice._ So you speak again, because you chose your wife and your wife chose you. You and Kara chose each other when you could have chosen to hang on to anger, resentment, betrayal, fear and vengeance. And instead you'd chosen her and she'd chosen you. 

"There's nothing I wouldn't do," You continue, voice firm and steady, eyes looking into hers, "nothing I wouldn't _live_ for Kara." 

Maggie's brow furrows in thought, eyes boring into yours as she tilts her head again. "It's not that simple, Lena." 

"Maybe it should be." You shrug, breaking eye contact and looking up at the sky. 

"Lena..." 

But you're sure about this. You're _sure._ So you keep your eyes peeled to the sky. "Maybe it should be."


End file.
